The Amateur (Food) Pornographer

Quickie: Theoretical Sandwich

2007-11-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

Like Einstein's Relativity and Newton's Gravity -- some foods are strictly theoretical.

You know, those dishes and meals that you think up in your head that are of unknown taste, quality, and difficulty to make. A lot of the times theoretical foods come from the fact that someone is drunk or high and they make a sandwich with grapes, doritos, and leftover Hamburger Helper.

Sounds terrible, but hey, it could work in theory.

Or, other times, you make a theoretical meal because of the ingredients you have available to you. I've made stewed chicken and black beans in a mojo cream sauce 'cause that was all the damn food I had in my fridge. (And it was very good)

And, especially for major chefs, theoretical food comes out of complete and utter boredom. These are the tuna steak and pineapple on rice cracker appetizers. These are the wasabi mashed potatoes inside a ball ground lamb. Weird shit that "breaks" boundaries. Or, maybe, famous chefs are just inebriated when they think up this weird shit.

So I present to you, Fielding Crestwood's Theoretical sandwich!

Ingredients:

1 Croissant, split, buttered, and grilled
1 Angus beef patty, seasoned and cooked
1/2 an avocado, sliced
Fresh Basil Leaves
Blue Cheese Crumbles
Tiny Bit of Mayonnaise
Green Tomato Relish (Optional)

In this sandwich I drew influence heavily from New-California cuisine. The addition of avocado to anything can make it "California"... but fresh herbs (basil) and artisan cheese (blue) help my case here.

This sandwich was amazing. It was very well balanced. Freshness from basil, richness from avocado, pungency from the cheese, heartiness from the angus, and tang from the relish. And who doesn't love toasted croissant?

Conclusion: When making theoretical food, it is key to balance all the ideas of what you look for in a good meal. Excite your taste buds here!

Queer Sunday

2007-11-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone at a recent picnic we had was gay. Look at this:

All seven people in this photo are gay. The person taking the photo is gay.

Gay gay gay.

This pink-sausage party was anchored by a rousing game of croquet; if you've never played croquet, the greatest thing about it is that you can play it while getting sloshed. Even better, it is completely acceptable to do this on a Sunday at 2 in the afternoon.

However, the gay boys probably get more of their calories from amaretto sours than from actual food. On a recent Sunday at King Longfellow's place, this could not have been more apparent. Look at the spread that we had:

Biscuits, chicken strips, and grapes.

For a good Sunday afternoon you will need:

5-7 gay guys who like drinking, wearing nice clothes, and don't mind being terrible at croquet.
Croquet set. We play with the set from Eddie Bauer.
Basket full of chicken strips.
Chilled Grapes.
Biscuits which somebody probably under or overcooked.

Mimosas (1 part cheap champagne, 1 part orange juice).

I lost the game. Terribly.

Quickie: Menage a taco!

2007-10-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love tacos? Especially tacos that look like this:

The Set up:

Corn Tortillas. CORN CORN CORN. Not flour. Flour tortillas are despicably disgusting.
-Heat up a small nonstick skillet.
-Spray Pam to both sides of your tortilla
-Heat each side of each tortilla until browned
-Add Salt and Pepper

Chicken
-Cook it simply. You don't need a lot of ingredients. Salt and pepper. Maybe a bit of Mojo.
-Grill the chicken.
-Let Cool, then shred with a fork

Salsa
-In a pot of water put a couple of tomatoes, a halved small onion, a seeded jalapeno, and a chicken bullion cube. Boil for ten minutes.
-Evacuate the ingredients from the water and into a blender. Press the on switch.
-Evacuate to a bowl to cool. Season with salt, pepper, and lime juice to taste.

Sliced Avocado

Mexican Sour Cream. Get the real stuff. It looks like this. Let me stress that real Mexican sour cream has a much better flavor. It is tangy, richer, and has a less processed feel to it. I love it.

Assemble your ingredients and eat.

All American Goodness

2007-10-18T15:26:00.001-07:00

All-American Boys eating Burgers and Fries!

Anyway, so my friend Azn Sinsation and I were talking about hamburgers, and it went like this...

FC: I'm going to make some burgers. I'm going to make normal burgers.
AS: Real, American Burgers.
FC: None of that fusion mumbo jumbo. Real good, simple burgers.

And drawing some inspiration from Ina Garten, I made classic burgers that were good.

Recipe for the burgers:

1 pound of ground chuck
1 egg
1 Onion, pureed and sauteed until brown.
1/4 cup of tomato paste
1 teaspoon of Garlic
1/2 tablespoon of Worchestshire sauce
2 handfuls of Ritz crackers crumbled up
Salt and Pepper to taste.

Put everything into a bowl and mix up with a wooden spoon. Be careful not to overmix and compact the ingredients because that will make dense burgers that are hard to cook. Let it sit for at least an hour before grilling, or else the flavors won't combine and they will fight each other.

To Cook:

Get the grill real hot. Shape your mixture into about five patties. Using the flip and quarter turn cooking method as described in my porkchop recipe, cook the burgers. Dress as you see fit and eat.

My friend King Longfellow made the fries. He has minimal cooking skills. So he put some frozen (ick) fries in a sheet pan and baked them. I topped them with salt, pepper, and sugar. I don't consider myself a die-hard environmentalist, but avoiding frozen foods is one of the ways that I help our Earth.
Here are the pictures.

Twill be the season

2007-10-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: I am waiting for it to cool the fuck down here in Savannah. Why? 'Cause I want to make these for y'all:

Roasted Chicken

Butternut-sage ravioli with onion butter sauce

Onion squash risotto with roasted chicken.

Chicken Fried Steak with White Gravy and Biscuits

Chocolate Gravy. Redeye Gravy.

I know, this is a strange amalgamation of foods... some high class, some trailer trash. But I've gotten so frustrated with the weather here. It is hot, but without the fun things from the hot (fresh produce, warm swimming pools, a good batch of ceviche). I feel as if we are in a terrible, awful in between time.

Please let it cool down so I can make warmer foods.

Quickie: Porking ourselves.

2007-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I generally don't believe in pre-made or frozen ingredients.

That said, there are some things that you can't get around.

And then you realize that and you make this meal:

Orange-sesame grilled pork tenderloin, sesame sugar snap peas, and fried matchstick sweet potatoes.

Do I really need to explain why this meal was good? I mean, look at the damn picture!

Orange-Sesame Grilled Pork Tenderloin:

Pork Tenderloin, sliced in 1/2 thick cuts. (Or you can use porkchops, cheapo)

Marinate in 1 part Lawry's Sesame Ginger 30-minute marinade, 1/2 part orange juice, and 1/4 part rice wine vinegar. I would do this for much longer than 30 minutes, though. Maybe four hours.

Get your cast iron grill pan nuclear hot. Sear the chops on one side for 1 to 2 minutes, and flip. Sear again. Flip and turn a quarter turn so you get cross-hatch grill marks. Flip and turn a quarter. You are done. Let sit at least five minutes before cutting. If you don't, all the juice will run out and you will be left with very dry pork tenderloin indeed.

Oh, and top with toasted sesame seeds.

NOTE: I like my pork chops medium to medium-well. Yes, I don't cook them all the way through. You know how your mom said that you could get trichinosis? Well, she was wrong. Fortunately (I guess), because of the way we mass-produce pigs for eating in this country trichinosis is virtually eliminated. Less than 20 people a year contract trichinosis, which is a very small number indeed. If you are still paranoid, if you simply get the interior of your pork to 160 degrees fahrenheit, it will kill any bugs.

Sesame Sugar Snap Peas:

Take a package of frozen sugar snap peas. Saute in a tablespoon of butter until they start to brown, and then add a tablespoon or two of rice-wine vinegar. Cook off the liquid and add salt, pepper, and toasted sesame seeds.

Matchstick Sweet potatoes:

Peel some sweet potatoes.

Cut 'em up real small, like matchstick size.

Fry in a neutral cookin oil (Canola or Vegetable, NOT olive or peanut) until golden brown and delicious.

Drain.

Salt. (Sea, of course)

Pepper.

Eat.

(For those of you who don't know about toasted sesame seeds: get some sesame seeds and put them in a hot, dry skillet. Cook, constantly stirring, until they start to turn light brown. Evacuate onto a plate for cooling. Put them on top of stuff.)

Well, that is that for today folks!

I'm Sorry It Had to Happen Like This Pie

2007-10-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

Need to break up with someone? Make them this Pie...

It is terrible.

Breakup Pie:

1 Can sweetened condensed milk
6 Egg Yolks. Yeah, that's right... raw eggs. Get over it.
4 limes, juice of
4 limes zest of
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 cup grated coconut
1 teaspoon vanilla

Put all that stuff in a blender and press go. Pour into a graham cracker pie crust and freeze.

(Some of you might have noticed this is a take on the Barefoot Contessa Recipe, which is really, really good. This obviously wasn't)

Let us talk about why this was bad:

1. There wasn't enough Lime Juice in the Pie
2. The coconut added NO FLAVOR. Really, none.
3. But what the coconut did add was a terrible, god-awful texture.

This was like eating a weak key lime pie with sand in it. YUM!

Lessons learned -- If it doesn't seem right in the first steps, fix it then. And, sadly, extracts (like coconut extract) add more flavor than the original ingredients would.

If anybody wants to try a slice, there is plenty left in the trashcan in front of my apartment.

Deep down, you know you want it so bad. Danger Chocolate

2007-09-29T12:09:00.001-07:00

Oh God.

Oh dear God.

I think I may have created something so wonderful, so chillingly alluring that it is a force to be reckoned with: Dark Chocolate Covered Danger Pudding with Sea Salt on Top.

First, let us start off on what "Danger Pudding" is. Essentially it is a dulce de leche style caramel that can KILL YOU. The process by which you make it has a tiny likelihood of causing an explosion with boiling liquid and shrapnel. It is unlikely, but I wouldn't make this if you don't have health insurance.

How to Make Danger Pudding:

1. Take a can of Sweetened Condensed Milk (Not evaporated milk) and DON'T OPEN IT.
2. Take the can you HAVEN'T OPENED and put it in a Crock Pot.
3. Submerge completely in cold water. Several inches of water should cover the can.
4. Turn the Crock Pot on low.
5. After 12 hours, take the can DON'T OPEN IT, and put it in the fridge.
6. When it has chilled (about two or three hours), put a can opener on the edge, cover with a towel to shield your face from any explosion, and open the can.
7. If you are still alive at this point, then you can proceed with the recipe below.

Things that can potentially go wrong:

1. There is a dent in your can causing it to have a bacterial infection. The bacteria will incubate and multiply in the cooking process, causing the can to explode.
2. The can is not completely submerged in water the entire time. This could cause the internal pressure to exceed the external pressure of the water, thus causing an explosion.
3. (And this is the scary one you can't prevent) The can has a bacterial infection from the factory process. Again like Danger Number One, but this one you have to trust your manufacturer.

So what you have here is a pressure cooker that could burst at any moment and kill, maim, or burn you terribly.

But the end result tastes sooooo good.

RECIPE:

2 bags of dark chocolate chips, melted
1 Can of Danger Pudding, chilled
Sea Salt Grains.

Step One-

Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave or the oven, but not a double boiler. Your goal is to temper the damn stuff, which can be quite hard. The double boiler could work but the steam from under the dish could cause moisture to get into the chocolate... and if you get any water into melting chocolate it will never set up (chocolate is oil-based, and a single drop of water will cause havoc). You want to get the chocolate as close to 92 degrees without going over 94 degrees, which will give you the optimal texture and shine.

Step Two-

Take a teaspoon full of Danger Pudding and cover it in chocolate. It is hard to work with, just work at it until you get the piece completely covered.

Step Three-

Drop onto a piece of parchment paper. Sprinkle the top with sea salt. (This is a very crucial ingredient. The addition of the sea salt cuts the sweetness of the Danger Pudding, and highlights the other flavors. When you get a bit of the salt on your tongue you are reminded of the fact that you are eating something homemade, something sweet. It helps break up the flavors, thus bringing them out more)

Step Four-

Chill and Serve.

Miss Jaycee. She asked for another one immediately.

Pammy Blade's comment: "Holy shit. That is incredible. I think I'm done eating for the rest of my life."

And me, your food pornographer, eating this wonderful creation.

Quickie: Pesto Chicken Salad

2007-09-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

Got some leftover pesto from the linguini orgy? Put it to good use!

I made an amazingly tasty chicken salad out of these ingredients:

To be more specific, how about a recipe?

Pesto Chicken Salad

1 Cup of cooked chicken, diced
3 Green onions, chopped and sauteed
1/4 Cup of Almonds, broken
1/4 Cup of shredded, hard cheese (I used Asiago, but Cheddar or Parmesean would be nice as well)
1/4 Cup of Pesto
1/4 Cup of Mayo
1/4 Cup of Miracle Whip

Notes on this recipe:

Firstly, meat is always better when there is visible browning. There are two reasons 1) Browning Causes Sugars to Caramelize, which produces a deeper, more complex flavor for the meat. and 2) It looks better. The meat looks cooked, and therefore more appetizing. Remember, you always eat with your eyes first!

I suppose you could skip the browning of the green onions, but I think they taste too harsh that way. And raw onions overpower other flavors too much.

Crushed Almonds? Throw 'em in a sandwich bag and whack 'em with a rolling pin, skillet, or dead cat.

Finally, I don't like the way that all mayo tastes (greasy, gloppy, pore-cloggingly thick), and I don't like the way that all Miracle Whip tastes (sickeningly sweet, trailer-trashy) -- but split they taste great.

And one more photo of the end result:

Barely Legal Birthday Bash + Sin-sational Strawberries

2007-09-22T10:22:00.005-07:00

My friend Fanny Wildwood (pictured above) recently turned 21 for the second time around, and we promptly threw her one of our famous thrown together party. More or less we all agreed to bring something to her house and eat like the fat girls we probably are.

I brought the Sin-Sational Strawberries with Balsamic Sauce and Vanilla Ice cream.

Yes, I am talking about putting vinegar on top of ice cream. But friends, this combination is a true revelation. If given the choice between sex or balsamic strawberries, I would actually have to think about which one I would prefer at the moment. The tartness of the vinegar cuts the sweetness of the ice cream, and it highlights the flavor of the strawberries.

The day I get my Kitchen Stand Mixer, I want the Ice Cream attachment so I can just cut out the middle man and make straight-up stawberry balsamic flavored ice cream.

Simple, simple recipe...

Vanilla Ice Cream topped with Balsamic Vinegar Marinated Strawberries:

2 pints of strawberries, chopped up into quarters
3 Tablespoons good balsamic vinegar. (Can't tell how what's a good balsamic? Good balsamic is imported, good balsamic doesn't have caramel color or artificial flavor. Or you could just be trashy and buy the fake stuff next to the salad dressing).
1/2 cup of granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon of salt. (Salt enhances the flavor of the other ingredients)
1/2 Teaspoon of Pepper (In this case, pepper tingles and excites your tongue. It also adds a flowery aroma to the dish)
Zest of one lemon
1 teaspoon lemon juice

Mix up everything and let sit for at least an hour. Scoop ice cream into serving dishes and top with strawberries and plenty of the liquid in the bowl.

The strawberry mixture will look like this:

Fanny made her own birthday cupcakes. She baked them in a sheet pan and cut them out with an empty soup can. These mini cakes were really, really good.

This was much easier than making a whole cake, and a lot more fun. Because sheet pan cakes are so thin, they always bake a lot better than round cakes. Fanny also used boxed cake mix which we have no problem with using.

And who doesn't want to eat this?

Stawberry balsamic, cake, and hot dogs. Best dinner ever.

And Kitty Conners really likes hotdogs.

A big, wet noodle: Pasta Party

2007-09-18T19:56:00.001-07:00

Jackie Martin and her boyfriend Maximus Bolton enjoying what was a very, very good bowl of pasta.

Every week my people and I get together for a "Socialist Dinner Party." That is, everyone contributes some sort of ingredient to the pot. I'm usually the Stalin in this event, giving out assignments and seeing the cooking through to fruition.

This week's dinner party was a pasta party. I directed everyone to bring an indredient, which we promptly cooked into one big, big pot of pasta. So we give you:

Linguini Orgy

1 Pound of Linguini Pasta
1 Pound of Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts cut up into bit size chunks
1 Yellow, 1 Red, and 1 Orange Bell Pepper, all julienned.
1/2 Bottle of Tomato Sauce
1/4 Cup of Pesto (you can use premade, but I think premade pesto tastes like dirt with an oil slick on top)

The preparation is straightforward. Cook the pasta in a big 'ole thing of boiling water. In a big saute pan, brown the chicken in a bit of oil with salt and pepper. Remove the chicken, add more oil and saute the bell pepers. When they are soft, add the tomato sauce, pesto, and chicken. Toss in the pasta and serve to hungy people.

For the Pesto:

1 Cup of Fresh Basil, that you of course grew yourself
1/4 Cup Salted Almonds
1/4 Cup of Hard, aged cheese (Parmesean, Asiago... I used a Swedish hard cheese I picked up at Ikea, Vaterbotensost)
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1/4 Cup good mixed olives.

To make the pesto it's real easy: Put it all in a blender and press the on switch. If you have never made pesto, I really suggest you try it. I always thought I hated pesto until I made it myself. Now I mainly use it as a way to use extra basil, olives, whatever... and it makes a tasty spread to keep in the fridge.

Pictures from the event:

Handy tip about chicken breasts -- there is a nasty, tough ligament on the end of them. Make sure you cut it out, or risk your guests thinking you put a piece of plastic tubing in their chicken.

Notice the booby-lady salt and pepper shakers.

This is my friend Woody Junction. He brought the bell peppers.

This is me, Fielding Crestwood. Notice the duct tape on my finger where I spilled hot oil on myself last week.

Unfortunately, the use of green pesto and red tomato sauce produced a brown (but very tasty) pasta dish.

King Longfellow. He is a big boy and ate lots of pasta. But like a little boy he refused to eat the bell peppers.