Quickie: Theoretical Sandwich

Like Einstein's Relativity and Newton's Gravity -- some foods are strictly theoretical.

You know, those dishes and meals that you think up in your head that are of unknown taste, quality, and difficulty to make. A lot of the times theoretical foods come from the fact that someone is drunk or high and they make a sandwich with grapes, doritos, and leftover Hamburger Helper.

Sounds terrible, but hey, it could work in theory.

Or, other times, you make a theoretical meal because of the ingredients you have available to you. I've made stewed chicken and black beans in a mojo cream sauce 'cause that was all the damn food I had in my fridge. (And it was very good)

And, especially for major chefs, theoretical food comes out of complete and utter boredom. These are the tuna steak and pineapple on rice cracker appetizers. These are the wasabi mashed potatoes inside a ball ground lamb. Weird shit that "breaks" boundaries. Or, maybe, famous chefs are just inebriated when they think up this weird shit.


So I present to you, Fielding Crestwood's Theoretical sandwich!


Ingredients:

1 Croissant, split, buttered, and grilled
1 Angus beef patty, seasoned and cooked
1/2 an avocado, sliced
Fresh Basil Leaves
Blue Cheese Crumbles
Tiny Bit of Mayonnaise
Green Tomato Relish (Optional)


In this sandwich I drew influence heavily from New-California cuisine. The addition of avocado to anything can make it "California"... but fresh herbs (basil) and artisan cheese (blue) help my case here.

This sandwich was amazing. It was very well balanced. Freshness from basil, richness from avocado, pungency from the cheese, heartiness from the angus, and tang from the relish. And who doesn't love toasted croissant?


Conclusion: When making theoretical food, it is key to balance all the ideas of what you look for in a good meal. Excite your taste buds here!

Queer Sunday

Everyone at a recent picnic we had was gay. Look at this:

All seven people in this photo are gay. The person taking the photo is gay.

Gay gay gay.

This pink-sausage party was anchored by a rousing game of croquet; if you've never played croquet, the greatest thing about it is that you can play it while getting sloshed. Even better, it is completely acceptable to do this on a Sunday at 2 in the afternoon.

However, the gay boys probably get more of their calories from amaretto sours than from actual food. On a recent Sunday at King Longfellow's place, this could not have been more apparent. Look at the spread that we had:


Biscuits, chicken strips, and grapes.


For a good Sunday afternoon you will need:

5-7 gay guys who like drinking, wearing nice clothes, and don't mind being terrible at croquet.
Croquet set. We play with the set from Eddie Bauer.
Basket full of chicken strips.
Chilled Grapes.
Biscuits which somebody probably under or overcooked.

Mimosas (1 part cheap champagne, 1 part orange juice).



I lost the game. Terribly.

Quickie: Menage a taco!

Who doesn't love tacos? Especially tacos that look like this:

The Set up:

Corn Tortillas. CORN CORN CORN. Not flour. Flour tortillas are despicably disgusting.
-Heat up a small nonstick skillet.
-Spray Pam to both sides of your tortilla
-Heat each side of each tortilla until browned
-Add Salt and Pepper

Chicken
-Cook it simply. You don't need a lot of ingredients. Salt and pepper. Maybe a bit of Mojo.
-Grill the chicken.
-Let Cool, then shred with a fork

Salsa
-In a pot of water put a couple of tomatoes, a halved small onion, a seeded jalapeno, and a chicken bullion cube. Boil for ten minutes.
-Evacuate the ingredients from the water and into a blender. Press the on switch.
-Evacuate to a bowl to cool. Season with salt, pepper, and lime juice to taste.

Sliced Avocado

Mexican Sour Cream. Get the real stuff. It looks like this. Let me stress that real Mexican sour cream has a much better flavor. It is tangy, richer, and has a less processed feel to it. I love it.


Assemble your ingredients and eat.

All American Goodness

All-American Boys eating Burgers and Fries!

Anyway, so my friend Azn Sinsation and I were talking about hamburgers, and it went like this...

FC: I'm going to make some burgers. I'm going to make normal burgers.
AS: Real, American Burgers.
FC: None of that fusion mumbo jumbo. Real good, simple burgers.

And drawing some inspiration from Ina Garten, I made classic burgers that were good.



Recipe for the burgers:

1 pound of ground chuck
1 egg
1 Onion, pureed and sauteed until brown.
1/4 cup of tomato paste
1 teaspoon of Garlic
1/2 tablespoon of Worchestshire sauce
2 handfuls of Ritz crackers crumbled up
Salt and Pepper to taste.

Put everything into a bowl and mix up with a wooden spoon. Be careful not to overmix and compact the ingredients because that will make dense burgers that are hard to cook. Let it sit for at least an hour before grilling, or else the flavors won't combine and they will fight each other.

To Cook:

Get the grill real hot. Shape your mixture into about five patties. Using the flip and quarter turn cooking method as described in my porkchop recipe, cook the burgers. Dress as you see fit and eat.

My friend King Longfellow made the fries. He has minimal cooking skills. So he put some frozen (ick) fries in a sheet pan and baked them. I topped them with salt, pepper, and sugar. I don't consider myself a die-hard environmentalist, but avoiding frozen foods is one of the ways that I help our Earth.
Here are the pictures.

Twill be the season

Editor's Note: I am waiting for it to cool the fuck down here in Savannah. Why? 'Cause I want to make these for y'all:

Roasted Chicken

Butternut-sage ravioli with onion butter sauce

Onion squash risotto with roasted chicken.

Chicken Fried Steak with White Gravy and Biscuits

Chocolate Gravy. Redeye Gravy.


I know, this is a strange amalgamation of foods... some high class, some trailer trash. But I've gotten so frustrated with the weather here. It is hot, but without the fun things from the hot (fresh produce, warm swimming pools, a good batch of ceviche). I feel as if we are in a terrible, awful in between time.

Please let it cool down so I can make warmer foods.

Quickie: Porking ourselves.

Let me start off by saying that I generally don't believe in pre-made or frozen ingredients.

That said, there are some things that you can't get around.

And then you realize that and you make this meal:


Orange-sesame grilled pork tenderloin, sesame sugar snap peas, and fried matchstick sweet potatoes.

Do I really need to explain why this meal was good? I mean, look at the damn picture!


Orange-Sesame Grilled Pork Tenderloin:

Pork Tenderloin, sliced in 1/2 thick cuts. (Or you can use porkchops, cheapo)

Marinate in 1 part Lawry's Sesame Ginger 30-minute marinade, 1/2 part orange juice, and 1/4 part rice wine vinegar. I would do this for much longer than 30 minutes, though. Maybe four hours.

Get your cast iron grill pan nuclear hot. Sear the chops on one side for 1 to 2 minutes, and flip. Sear again. Flip and turn a quarter turn so you get cross-hatch grill marks. Flip and turn a quarter. You are done. Let sit at least five minutes before cutting. If you don't, all the juice will run out and you will be left with very dry pork tenderloin indeed.

Oh, and top with toasted sesame seeds.

NOTE: I like my pork chops medium to medium-well. Yes, I don't cook them all the way through. You know how your mom said that you could get trichinosis? Well, she was wrong. Fortunately (I guess), because of the way we mass-produce pigs for eating in this country trichinosis is virtually eliminated. Less than 20 people a year contract trichinosis, which is a very small number indeed. If you are still paranoid, if you simply get the interior of your pork to 160 degrees fahrenheit, it will kill any bugs.


Sesame Sugar Snap Peas:

Take a package of frozen sugar snap peas. Saute in a tablespoon of butter until they start to brown, and then add a tablespoon or two of rice-wine vinegar. Cook off the liquid and add salt, pepper, and toasted sesame seeds.


Matchstick Sweet potatoes:

Peel some sweet potatoes.

Cut 'em up real small, like matchstick size.

Fry in a neutral cookin oil (Canola or Vegetable, NOT olive or peanut) until golden brown and delicious.

Drain.

Salt. (Sea, of course)

Pepper.

Eat.


(For those of you who don't know about toasted sesame seeds: get some sesame seeds and put them in a hot, dry skillet. Cook, constantly stirring, until they start to turn light brown. Evacuate onto a plate for cooling. Put them on top of stuff.)

Well, that is that for today folks!

I'm Sorry It Had to Happen Like This Pie

Need to break up with someone? Make them this Pie...



It is terrible.

Breakup Pie:

1 Can sweetened condensed milk
6 Egg Yolks. Yeah, that's right... raw eggs. Get over it.
4 limes, juice of
4 limes zest of
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 cup grated coconut
1 teaspoon vanilla

Put all that stuff in a blender and press go. Pour into a graham cracker pie crust and freeze.

(Some of you might have noticed this is a take on the Barefoot Contessa Recipe, which is really, really good. This obviously wasn't)

Let us talk about why this was bad:

1. There wasn't enough Lime Juice in the Pie
2. The coconut added NO FLAVOR. Really, none.
3. But what the coconut did add was a terrible, god-awful texture.

This was like eating a weak key lime pie with sand in it. YUM!

Lessons learned -- If it doesn't seem right in the first steps, fix it then. And, sadly, extracts (like coconut extract) add more flavor than the original ingredients would.

If anybody wants to try a slice, there is plenty left in the trashcan in front of my apartment.