Deep down, you know you want it so bad. Danger Chocolate

Oh God.

Oh dear God.

I think I may have created something so wonderful, so chillingly alluring that it is a force to be reckoned with: Dark Chocolate Covered Danger Pudding with Sea Salt on Top.

First, let us start off on what "Danger Pudding" is. Essentially it is a dulce de leche style caramel that can KILL YOU. The process by which you make it has a tiny likelihood of causing an explosion with boiling liquid and shrapnel. It is unlikely, but I wouldn't make this if you don't have health insurance.

How to Make Danger Pudding:

1. Take a can of Sweetened Condensed Milk (Not evaporated milk) and DON'T OPEN IT.
2. Take the can you HAVEN'T OPENED and put it in a Crock Pot.
3. Submerge completely in cold water. Several inches of water should cover the can.
4. Turn the Crock Pot on low.
5. After 12 hours, take the can DON'T OPEN IT, and put it in the fridge.
6. When it has chilled (about two or three hours), put a can opener on the edge, cover with a towel to shield your face from any explosion, and open the can.
7. If you are still alive at this point, then you can proceed with the recipe below.

Things that can potentially go wrong:

1. There is a dent in your can causing it to have a bacterial infection. The bacteria will incubate and multiply in the cooking process, causing the can to explode.
2. The can is not completely submerged in water the entire time. This could cause the internal pressure to exceed the external pressure of the water, thus causing an explosion.
3. (And this is the scary one you can't prevent) The can has a bacterial infection from the factory process. Again like Danger Number One, but this one you have to trust your manufacturer.

So what you have here is a pressure cooker that could burst at any moment and kill, maim, or burn you terribly.

But the end result tastes sooooo good.


RECIPE:

2 bags of dark chocolate chips, melted
1 Can of Danger Pudding, chilled
Sea Salt Grains.

Step One-

Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave or the oven, but not a double boiler. Your goal is to temper the damn stuff, which can be quite hard. The double boiler could work but the steam from under the dish could cause moisture to get into the chocolate... and if you get any water into melting chocolate it will never set up (chocolate is oil-based, and a single drop of water will cause havoc). You want to get the chocolate as close to 92 degrees without going over 94 degrees, which will give you the optimal texture and shine.

Step Two-

Take a teaspoon full of Danger Pudding and cover it in chocolate. It is hard to work with, just work at it until you get the piece completely covered.

Step Three-

Drop onto a piece of parchment paper. Sprinkle the top with sea salt. (This is a very crucial ingredient. The addition of the sea salt cuts the sweetness of the Danger Pudding, and highlights the other flavors. When you get a bit of the salt on your tongue you are reminded of the fact that you are eating something homemade, something sweet. It helps break up the flavors, thus bringing them out more)

Step Four-

Chill and Serve.



Miss Jaycee. She asked for another one immediately.

Pammy Blade's comment: "Holy shit. That is incredible. I think I'm done eating for the rest of my life."

And me, your food pornographer, eating this wonderful creation.

Quickie: Pesto Chicken Salad

Got some leftover pesto from the linguini orgy? Put it to good use!

I made an amazingly tasty chicken salad out of these ingredients:


To be more specific, how about a recipe?

Pesto Chicken Salad

1 Cup of cooked chicken, diced
3 Green onions, chopped and sauteed
1/4 Cup of Almonds, broken
1/4 Cup of shredded, hard cheese (I used Asiago, but Cheddar or Parmesean would be nice as well)
1/4 Cup of Pesto
1/4 Cup of Mayo
1/4 Cup of Miracle Whip

Notes on this recipe:

Firstly, meat is always better when there is visible browning. There are two reasons 1) Browning Causes Sugars to Caramelize, which produces a deeper, more complex flavor for the meat. and 2) It looks better. The meat looks cooked, and therefore more appetizing. Remember, you always eat with your eyes first!

I suppose you could skip the browning of the green onions, but I think they taste too harsh that way. And raw onions overpower other flavors too much.

Crushed Almonds? Throw 'em in a sandwich bag and whack 'em with a rolling pin, skillet, or dead cat.

Finally, I don't like the way that all mayo tastes (greasy, gloppy, pore-cloggingly thick), and I don't like the way that all Miracle Whip tastes (sickeningly sweet, trailer-trashy) -- but split they taste great.

And one more photo of the end result:

Barely Legal Birthday Bash + Sin-sational Strawberries

My friend Fanny Wildwood (pictured above) recently turned 21 for the second time around, and we promptly threw her one of our famous thrown together party. More or less we all agreed to bring something to her house and eat like the fat girls we probably are.


I brought the Sin-Sational Strawberries with Balsamic Sauce and Vanilla Ice cream.

Yes, I am talking about putting vinegar on top of ice cream. But friends, this combination is a true revelation. If given the choice between sex or balsamic strawberries, I would actually have to think about which one I would prefer at the moment. The tartness of the vinegar cuts the sweetness of the ice cream, and it highlights the flavor of the strawberries.

The day I get my Kitchen Stand Mixer, I want the Ice Cream attachment so I can just cut out the middle man and make straight-up stawberry balsamic flavored ice cream.

Simple, simple recipe...

Vanilla Ice Cream topped with Balsamic Vinegar Marinated Strawberries:

2 pints of strawberries, chopped up into quarters
3 Tablespoons good balsamic vinegar. (Can't tell how what's a good balsamic? Good balsamic is imported, good balsamic doesn't have caramel color or artificial flavor. Or you could just be trashy and buy the fake stuff next to the salad dressing).
1/2 cup of granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon of salt. (Salt enhances the flavor of the other ingredients)
1/2 Teaspoon of Pepper (In this case, pepper tingles and excites your tongue. It also adds a flowery aroma to the dish)
Zest of one lemon
1 teaspoon lemon juice

Mix up everything and let sit for at least an hour. Scoop ice cream into serving dishes and top with strawberries and plenty of the liquid in the bowl.


The strawberry mixture will look like this:




Fanny made her own birthday cupcakes. She baked them in a sheet pan and cut them out with an empty soup can. These mini cakes were really, really good.

This was much easier than making a whole cake, and a lot more fun. Because sheet pan cakes are so thin, they always bake a lot better than round cakes. Fanny also used boxed cake mix which we have no problem with using.


And who doesn't want to eat this?



Stawberry balsamic, cake, and hot dogs. Best dinner ever.

And Kitty Conners really likes hotdogs.

A big, wet noodle: Pasta Party

Jackie Martin and her boyfriend Maximus Bolton enjoying what was a very, very good bowl of pasta.




Every week my people and I get together for a "Socialist Dinner Party." That is, everyone contributes some sort of ingredient to the pot. I'm usually the Stalin in this event, giving out assignments and seeing the cooking through to fruition.

This week's dinner party was a pasta party. I directed everyone to bring an indredient, which we promptly cooked into one big, big pot of pasta. So we give you:

Linguini Orgy

1 Pound of Linguini Pasta
1 Pound of Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breasts cut up into bit size chunks
1 Yellow, 1 Red, and 1 Orange Bell Pepper, all julienned.
1/2 Bottle of Tomato Sauce
1/4 Cup of Pesto (you can use premade, but I think premade pesto tastes like dirt with an oil slick on top)

The preparation is straightforward. Cook the pasta in a big 'ole thing of boiling water. In a big saute pan, brown the chicken in a bit of oil with salt and pepper. Remove the chicken, add more oil and saute the bell pepers. When they are soft, add the tomato sauce, pesto, and chicken. Toss in the pasta and serve to hungy people.


For the Pesto:

1 Cup of Fresh Basil, that you of course grew yourself
1/4 Cup Salted Almonds
1/4 Cup of Hard, aged cheese (Parmesean, Asiago... I used a Swedish hard cheese I picked up at Ikea, Vaterbotensost)
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1/4 Cup good mixed olives.

To make the pesto it's real easy: Put it all in a blender and press the on switch. If you have never made pesto, I really suggest you try it. I always thought I hated pesto until I made it myself. Now I mainly use it as a way to use extra basil, olives, whatever... and it makes a tasty spread to keep in the fridge.


Pictures from the event:


Handy tip about chicken breasts -- there is a nasty, tough ligament on the end of them. Make sure you cut it out, or risk your guests thinking you put a piece of plastic tubing in their chicken.










Notice the booby-lady salt and pepper shakers.













This is my friend Woody Junction. He brought the bell peppers.


















This is me, Fielding Crestwood. Notice the duct tape on my finger where I spilled hot oil on myself last week.


Unfortunately, the use of green pesto and red tomato sauce produced a brown (but very tasty) pasta dish.







King Longfellow. He is a big boy and ate lots of pasta. But like a little boy he refused to eat the bell peppers.